im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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