it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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