you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
How does one acquire holy water?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
