Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
