Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
