Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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