Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
