she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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