I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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