she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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