my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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