Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
