nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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