It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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