Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
