if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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