Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
