I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
