The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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