I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
