good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Hippo gnu deer
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.