LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.