i can juggle bunnies
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus