So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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