Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
