Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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