What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
