She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
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I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
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My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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