sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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