I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
