Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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