Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
