Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
