um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
