I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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