Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
