My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
