There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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