you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
