I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
i believe in u and ur pee
Did you pee in the oven last night??
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
