We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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