weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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