wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
