you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize