I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
