I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
