if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
