Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
