you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
