Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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