she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
