I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
