I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
