apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Life is so much better after having sex.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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