My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
