he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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