how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
