I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize