In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
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I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
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the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize