I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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